My greatest fear

The hardest part of writing these posts for me is the fact that about halfway thru it, I realize that I’m not writing a post but complaining, bragging or whining and that God is actually talking to me.  I then have to pray and listen to what God is saying to me then find something else to write about.

Looking back you can see how often I write about quitting my job for full-time deputation and being fearful and excited about the future.  It’s a topic I seem to find a way to bring into just about every conversation I have in some form.  Really, it’s just my way of saying “I’d like you to realize how much I need your help.  Now here’s your chance.”  Yes, I’m scared and anxious for what the future holds.  But I also know God is in control.  I’ve seen Him work too many times and too many ways to doubt yet I continue to try and help out.

This post was going to start out talking about all the people I’ve been disappointed by in the Christian world.  After a bunch of examples I was going to talk about a man who recently said a conversation we had once was one he thought about often and how he looked up to me and us.  Letting people down, being a bad example, causing others to stumble or not living up to what God has for me truly are things that I’m fearful of.  But the more I wrote, the more I realized I wasn’t talking about my fear but listing all the people who had hurt or disappointed me so you could feel sorry for me.   I wanted you to contact me to ask about the names of the people who had hurt, mocked or lied to me so I could pat myself on the back about being such a good Christian while saying “I don’t gossip”.

The truth is, I’m just like everyone else and everyone else is just like me.  We all fear, doubt, stumble and fail.  We all hurt others, feel sorry for ourselves and seek approval.  Yet, God continues to love us and use us.

Seven years ago, I graduated from Bible College.  God put me on a shelf for several years because I refused to listen to Him and grow.  It wasn’t a bad time.  I didn’t get horribly sick or injured.  No one I knew got taken from me.  None of the horrible things we hear in sermons and examples happened to me.  My life just continued on day by uneventful day.  However, while there were no really bad things, there were also no really good things.  I was convicted a few times by sermons I heard but God never really spoke to me or showed Himself to me during that time.  I never really saw or heard God during that time unless it was a call to come back to Him.

My greatest fear is going back to those days.  Of learning too slowly, not listening hard enough, of being too full of self to change and being put back on that shelf.

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